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[personal profile] blushing_grace
Everyone's seen the Evil Overlord list, but many people haven't seen this one. I've looked for a bit and here you go: The

1) I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.

2) I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.

3) If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.

4) If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.

5) If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.

6) I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.

7) I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.

8) I will obtain skill in the use of my legs and feet, so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.

9) If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.

10) My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.

11) Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.

12) After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.

13) Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.

14) When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).

15) My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. As I am confident that my loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.

16) I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.

17) If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, und so weiter, I will seek therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic.

18) Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.

19) If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.

20) The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.

21) Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them.

22) I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am dangling off of a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.

23) If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.

24) I will not swoon in the heros arms, nor pull on him to get him away when he is trying to aim.

25) If the hero pulls me away from the fray just as I have lined up my shot, I will thank him, then beat him within an inch of his life, at a reasonable time.

26) I will not turn down the hero's romantic overtures on the sole basis of having thought him dead and having finally managed to deal with life without him.

27) I will wear clothing and shoes that are practical for running, fighting, and carrying heavy objects in. If seduction is necessary and not achievable in practical clothes, it can be achieved by selective removal or ripping of outfit.

28) I will find out who the villain's clothing designer is and employ him or her to design my wedding night lingerie.

29) I will spend some time in cardio-vascular training. When we flee the villain, I'm not going to be the one who begs to stop and rest for a bit.

30) I will not stomp out on the hero, telling him how insensitive to me he is. He may have other things on his mind at the moment and, hopefully, there will be a quiet time after all the fuss and turmoil to tell him what an unthinking cretin he has been without endangering the kingdom/planet/ universe.

31) If he's too uncertain, shy, or nervous to propose, I will. Women are allowed to take the initiative in this literary day and age.


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May 2010

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