May. 3rd, 2010

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With all the posts and comments this weekend about the 1st of May, and the number of my friends who just got back from Beltaine - I felt a longing. I've caught myself humming songs I knew from church. When things are going well, I do silent mental prayers of thanks. But I haven't really done much spiritual stuff in a long while. I haven't gone to church regularly since I started working in high school (almost always had an early Sunday shift). Then we had a new pastor at home that my mom wasn't a fan of, so I didn't really make it much on summer or vacations home either. (Plus that still working thing). [livejournal.com profile] fireandearth is a sometimes-pagan, but for the most part that was on a down swing while we lived together. And [livejournal.com profile] arashinomoui doesn't really practice anything either.

I'm a lapsed-Southern Baptist, but with the variation in that denomination, there's no guarantee that any church in this area would 'feel' right. And I'm not sure I want to go to church either. It's not the community I'm looking for. It's that place within ME.

I've researched paganism in the past - and my sister and father have both been drawn in that direction as well. Through-out college my one liner was something to the effect: I don't know who I am yet, how could I possibly have an opinion on God/s.

I'm not sure what I want is to even make a decision on how I want to view/think of the divine. I think part of what I want to do is simply a form of meditation with ritual elements to create that extra element of meaning for me. I want the quiet focus to still my mind from stresses and just be. To take the time to appreciate that which is around me, and the blessings that are in my life.

I like and am drawn to the alters my pagan-friends have. The small sacred spaces they've made, the elements of nature that are within. I recognize the irony of being concerned about appropriating that for my own self. And I'm also concerned about feeling like I'm 'playing pretend' as I try to figure out what I do want. But isn't that how everthing works? You 'play house' with your SO, pretend to know what you're doing' at work ... until you just gradually ARE the part.


What brought you to where you are spiritually? And how do you practice?

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May 2010

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